so I thought it could be good to blog about what depression means to me. I think it probably means something different to us all, but we can relate to the fact it’s horrible! I’d like to start this blog by copying out a piece I wrote in my journal i titled ‘What depression means to me’ I wrote this when I was in one of my darkest places , I was on an acute psychiatric ward I didn’t want to be on, I was actively suicidal and on a lot of medication. I’m going to sensor out the very detailed bits but some may find it slightly triggering so read with caution. Apologies for how incoherent it is but like I said – a lot of medication! This is also quite scary for me as it is very personal and not something I ever considered sharing openly up until now.
What depression means to me
Feeling dark, hopeless and numb. As well as feeling numb my mind tortures me to the point that it physically hurts. When I’m this depressed I can’t even cry and I don’t want to move. It’s like being stuck in the deepest darkest hole and people keep trying to pull you out but you don’t have the will power, motivation or determination to let them. So you just stay at the bottom surrounded by nothing and no one. I cut myself just to remind myself I actually exist. I loathe everything about myself and feel like I’m not worthy of anyone’s time – or life itself. I think of ending it all. Every second of every day. It feels like there’s no other option. I begin to obsess about it. What would be the easiest way? Then I remember how much pain I would cause my friends and family. So I don’t kill myself …. Then I resent them all and feel bitter im alive because of them. This just makes me feel guiltier. The emotions swarm around my head until it feels like my mind is screaming. But I can’t let this show on the outside for everyone else’s sake. Then when I get to be by myself I get to *(do something not very nice)* I just wish I could go that bit further so I couldn’t recover, but there’s always someone watching, always someone preventing this. The sun in the morning stops looking beautiful , happy music I used to love makes it feel as though my ears are bleeding, others company is so tiresome. I’m irritated by my own breathing, heart beat and thoughts. I want it all to stop. I feel as though I have no existence. It’s hard to register what everyone else is saying to me, I don’t understand them, they don’t understand me. Everything that was good and beautiful looks dark and scary. There is no enjoyment in anything. The nights are long drawn out torturous events where thoughts and memories bash through my head like a tornado. There is no release, there is no escape. Even my dreams torture me. Everything around me distorts , night time feels like hell. It feels like doom is impending but it doesn’t come, and I just wish it would hurry up. I’m tired of waiting. Depression is feeling worthless, hopeless and undeserving and there is no end in sight. There is no making it go away. This feeling definitely could be fatal
okay so that’s a little insight on to how I felt about depression at one of my worst times! Well done to anyone who’s still reason …
There was a bit more than depression going on at the time, I was very entrenched in my eating disorder, I was frequently dissociating and my medication wasn’t exactly agreeing with me.
I have come a long way since then in some regards, I’ve learnt some good coping methods and I’m a bit stronger at challenging the black dog. But this is something that requires work, my depression hasn’t gone away, but Gemma has gotten a little bit stronger. Unfortunately anti depressants don’t agree with me so I can’t control my depression with medication , however many people do. At the moment, depression is still a massive part of my life. Everyday depression wants me to stay in bed, it doesn’t want me to socialise, it doesn’t want me to speak up and it doesn’t want me to get help. Despite this I am speaking up and engaging with mental health professionals , I’m trying to share my story over social media and this blog and I’m trying my best to help other people who suffer.
Depression isn’t laziness or being grumpy or melodramatic or neurotic. It is a serious medical illness that warrants as much attention as any physical illness. It’s exhausting and debilitating. In my opinion, what makes depression so fatal is that people don’t feel they can open up or seek help( cue society , stigma , underfunded nhs and uneducated GPs to name a few …..) if as a society we were more understanding and supportive of people suffering with any degree of depression, we could save a lot of lives. I guess my advice to you all is to not judge someone, you can’t know their story or what they’re feeling unless they tell you. Don’t underestimate the power depression can have over someone. Be kind always
Just because someone appears ️okay doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering. I am absolutely categorically clinically depressed, and if I wasn’t open about it people might not even know. Not everyone with depression walks around with their head in their hands , this is my face of depression and what depression looks like for me …. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.